i only feel okay when i think about killing myself
i love realising how broken i am over and over again and feeling even worse which i didnt know was fucking possible
sometimes i think im not that sick then i remember ive learnt how to have silent internalised breakdowns everyday so i dont bother anyone bc no amount of reassurance would ever be enough to convince me anymore screaming crying and dying on the inside emotionless on the outside
please just love me back, i can’t take this pain anymore
living with bpd is like one second i believe you actually love me and want me here the next i believe you hate and resent me and wish i was gone i have no idea what is actually real my brain torments me
people really think they can manipulate someone who grew up in a narcissistic family day and night not only do i know exactly what u are trying to do i already predicted this happening because people like u are embarrassingly predictable at this point and i refuse to engage in your games
life has got me by the fucking throat and i’ve quit struggling
I think the one thing that no one talks about that fucking destroys the already broken you is seeing the person who traumatized you, broke you, damaged you beyond repair be good to someone else. It makes you question everything. You start believing that how they treated you is all you’re worth. You start believing that’s what you deserve because how could you deserve anything good in life. It’s the constant overthinking, picking at your flaws, fuck you end up making new ones. After a point your every action and inaction is a flaw. It literally sets the damage they did by abusing you in stone. Like the abuse and trauma wasn’t enough. You have to suffer more. It’s endless. You keep reliving that trauma each time you see them be kind to another. You didn’t even want kindness. Just the absence of abuse