Here's some relationship or friendship advice if you know someone with BPD:
1. Learn their triggers. Their triggers tend to be Interpersonal things btw, as their trauma tends to have been interpersonal. So something you say or do could trigger an intense fear of abandonment or a fear of being treated cruelly again or not being cared for, etc.
2. Respect their triggers whether or not you understand them. It doesn't matter if you think they're making a big deal out of nothing. It's real to them.
3. Learn what they need you to do when they're splitting. Thats going to help you a lot with knowing what to do when it happens and, most importantly, not making it worse. Do they need you to just reassure them? Do they need you to just hold space for them? One thing that usually helps is to remain calm, not escalate the situation by matching their energy and to remind them that you care.
4. Learn how to tell when they're splitting: learn to recognise the signs so you can know when it's happening, which can help things not to escalate even further in the moment when it does.
5. Don't gaslight them when you're arguing or when they're splitting. You honestly shouldn't do this with anyone. Don't invalidate or minimise their feelings, even if you can't understand them.
6. Don't invalidate their feelings or thoughts when they're upset about something legitimate by telling them that it's just their illness causing them to act this way or feel this way. Don't invalidate their genuine reasons to be upset with you by saying it must be because they're splitting.
These things aren't always true and they're really stigmatizing. Someone's mental illness is not a scapegoat for everything you dislike or disagree with about them, or an excuse for you to not take accountability for when you cause genuine harm.
7. Learn. There is a lot of information out there, particularly from people with BPD. Learn more about the condition and what it feels like and why someone with it may act in a certain way. Don't become complacent with the belief that you know everything either-- always keep learning more or refreshing what you know.
8. Take time to take care of yourself. It's okay to set boundaries around what you're able to deal with-- but make sure to clearly communicate those boundaries so they know.
Be honest with yourself about whether or not this is a relationship / friendship that you can handle, and base this especially on research of the illness and any upfront realities they disclose to you about what it's going to be like and what they need. It's okay if it's not something you can handle.
But not being honest with yourself and them about this can be really harmful to them as it can activate fears of abandonment when you do realize its something you can't handle later on.
9. Be kind. Do your best to be kind to them. People with BPD generally have not experienced a lot of kindness and having to experience even more insensitivity or hurtfulness can be difficult for their recovery.
If anyone with BPD has any more, please add them!
