nightmare in disguise

[nightmare in disguise]

[xxtitchiexx]

I wish I could kill my brain and just be in your arms forever. I’m so sorry I can’t turn off the bad parts of my mind and just exist with you. Im so tired of overthinking everything.

[nightmare in disguise]

dont get me wrong, i love my fp and i feel really lucky to have an fp that cares about me. i just,,, really hate having an fp.

like my entire sense of self worth is based on how they see me or interact with me, and if im not getting enough attention or affection then i must be doing something wrong. if i do something to make them upset, even if it's something small or not my fault, then i feel like the scum of the earth. i get so angry at myself, and i hurt myself as a way to punish myself.

i feel the need to fawn over them and compete with everyone else in their life for their time, and it tears me up inside when someone else overshadows me. everyone feels like competition, even though it isnt fair to expect them to interact with me and me only. i even get jealous of inanimate objects.

the worst part is that sometimes i get so mad at them. it's never even because of something that they did. i go on paranoid thought tangents about them not liking me anymore, them having fun without me, sometimes even them having romantic interactions without me. its not because i dont trust them, i just dont see why they would want to be with me of all people when they deserve so much better. they have better options right in front of them.

i feel like theyre trying to spare my feelings, that they only stick with me out of pity. sometimes i consider cutting them off completely just because i dont think i deserve the happiness they bring me. i feel like a waste of their time and i dont think i deserve their company. as much as i know it would hurt, i almost wish they would abandon me sometimes so i can stop trying so hard to prevent an abandonment that probably isnt even there

~ghost ♥

[nightmare in disguise]

[stars-and-roses-system]

Let’s Talk About Emotional Permanence

Tl;Dr People with BPD, ADHD and other disorders have little to no emotional permanence leading to intense distress feelings of being abandoned and meaning they need significantly more reassurance than most.

What is emotional permanence?

Emotional permanence is the similar to object permanence with the “out of sight out of mind” mindset. It’s the ability to understand that something exists even when unable to observe it. So emotional permanence is understanding that emotions still exist even when not being observed.

Many people with BPD and ADHD have a lack of emotional permanence meaning that when the emotional stimuli isn’t present, eg. not being shown love, people being distant etc. Makes it feel as tho they are hated and not loved anymore.

Lacking emotional permanence leads to feelings of despair, distress, anxiety, depression and much more negative feelings whenever away from the stimuli providing these emotions, leading to a lot of the pain and chronic emptiness that that most people with BPD and ADHD experience.

It is also one of the main contributors to the crippling fear of abandonment that people with BPD and ADHD deal with. As with feeling that people don’t love them it leads to feeling like they are being/will be abandoned.

This lack of emotional permanence means these people need more reassurance and comfort from those around them in order to feel loved and safe. This may lead to seemingly “attention seeking” behaviours in order to get that reassurance and comfort from others.

This lack of emotional permanence can also lead to impulsive and reckless behaviours in order to fill that void where the emotions should be. This could include s*x, dr*g abuse, s*lf h*rm and other things all of which can very easily become add!ct!on.

Reassurance is the best way to combat these feelings and help people that deal with this to feel loved, as it reintroduces the stimuli and shows the feelings of love/ other emotions are still there. This is especially helpful when there is a change in communication eg. Slower replies, cancelled plans etc.

Reassurance doesn’t fully solve the problem as it doesn’t stop the cycle of these feelings restarting after the stimuli is removed again but is (to my knowledge at least) the best way of helping and supporting someone dealing with a lack of emotional permanence.

[nightmare in disguise]

[ladyanura77]

"Learn to love yourself"

Goddamn I'm so sick of hearing that.

Go fuck yourself, there is nothing here to love.

[nightmare in disguise]

[maeby04]

My fp is allowed secrets and is allowed to keep things to themselves. That’s fine. it’s fine, I don’t need to know everything

…

Fuck that shit! I want to know everything, any secret kept feels like a personal attack and its not fair! I have to tell them everything and they don’t tell me shit! It’s not fucking fair. It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair!! They’re my everything and I want to be theirs so bad!!!

[nightmare in disguise]

[mentalwordvomit]

He’s gonna love someone more than he loves me someday and if he’s still my fp when that happens I’ll die

[nightmare in disguise]

[xxtitchiexx]

I rely on him to feel anything and I know it’s bad but as soon as he is gone I’m depressed again it’s like I need this man to function

[nightmare in disguise]

nothing hurts more than knowing i could give you all the love you’ve wanted but never gotten, but that you don’t want it from me

[nightmare in disguise]

Sleep well, my precious darling.

I know life is hard and you’re oh, so scared of everything falling apart.

But I’ll support you through anything.

You can do this, even if you have to do it with fear.

[nightmare in disguise]

[xcarapherneliax]

i want for him to be the happiest person in the world, he deserves so much. I want everyone to treat him like the god he is. I want everyone to respect him. I want him to feel loved every second of the day