the sexual tension between me and jumping off a roof
i miss when it felt like you loved me
I think there is a very specific bitterness and pain that accompanies the realisation and reluctant acceptance that you lost your childhood and adolescence to trauma and mental illness, and it's something that people can't appreciate unless they've lived it too. Well meaning but utterly clueless people my age tell me "well I can't believe that I'm this age either!" and people older than me say things like "we all feel like we didn't make the best of our youth!" but I know that it isn't the same .
there is a deep longing in me for the safety of an innocent childhood, or the carefree turmoil of a rebellious adolescence that can never be realised . theres a deep sense that im a little girl or an unruly teenager . theres a reluctance , or inability, to accept that im an adult, that life didnt stop then , that the world didnt wait for me, time kept going and it left me behind.
how can I already be an adult when i never had the chance to be a child?
I’ve started to wonder
If there’s something broken in me
Maybe I’m made to love
Not to be loved
If only you could acknowledge that there was something between us, that it wasn't all in my head, that we had something, that it was real. Then maybe I could forget you.
you know when you’re in like mental limbo like when you’re in between certain phases and you can’t exactly pinpoint how you are at the moment. you’re not exactly manic but not depressed and not calm and “normal” yet also not sad and empty. you’re just kinda…..existing. it doesn’t feel right but you can’t really pinpoint what’s wrong
someone: *doesn’t reply in two seconds*
me: I’m so sorry I said anything ever please don’t hate me I take it back im really sorry okay? do you still love me? I love you I’m sorry
ah yes the daily bpd question of “is it more painful to not get attention or to ask someone to give you attention but then feel like you manipulated them?”
I feel like I’ll never be able to catch up to where I should be in life
tfw ur suddenly hit by the fact that you are so unlovable and no one has ever liked you and you always always get abandoned no matter how hard you try to prevent it