i wish i could just disintegrate into dust and flow in the wind. i’m tired of existing.
i can officially say i’ve hit one of the worst patches of my depression again :)
when i asked my fp if i’m hard to be friends with and he said “yea but it’s okay, i like a challenge” and then i proceeded to say “so you want to be friends with me forever then?” and he said “i want to be friends with you for a long time but i don’t think we’ll be friends forever” my heart shattered in my chest and impaled my lungs. i’ve forgotten how heart break felt like since i haven’t experienced it since my last fp, but my entire chest caved in and now i can’t fall asleep anymore cuz i’m scared he’s gonna send me a text saying he’s leaving while i sleep.
Being raised without stability really fucks with your head, you’re forever trying to figure out a person’s “pattern“ to see how you have to approach them, whether they’re in a good mood and it’s safe, or if they’re in a bad mood and you have to be careful or maybe avoid them altogether, just because those who raised you could never keep a consistent emotional reaction
anyone else feel like their body type makes it feel like you can never look skinny no matter how much weight you lose :(
do any other borderlines have issues with time? i don’t really have a concept of how much time has passed/will pass and it makes me constantly late to class, appointments, errands, etc. for example, i’ll say that i will be back in 5 minutes because the destination is close to me, but it actually takes me 15. just wondering if i’m not alone
i find the concept of death so peaceful. i long for the feeling of complete peace. no more suffering, no more pain, no more hurt, nothing. i find it beautiful how one day, i’ll be six feet under soil in eternal rest. in the spring, flowers will bloom from the remnants of my body, my bones will become one with the earth and my soul will be at rest. i long for the day i take my last breath.
i’m gonna actually start using this as a diary so i’m sorry in advance.
but my favorite person is the only person i think about, everything i do is for him. he knows about my bpd but doesn’t know all the details and stuff, he just knows that i don’t take care of my basic needs so he makes deals with me. (he’s just my friend, but i love him so much more than that) i have a sticker chart and i get stickers every time i eat a meal, drink 16oz of water, take a shower, brush my teeth, do an assignment, basically i get a sticker for anything that he feels that i should be doing. so that’s what i do. i eat for him, i shower for him, i keep fighting for him. i do all of it just to hear him tell say “good boy” “i’m proud of you” “you accomplished so much today”. he doesn’t know much i love him, he never will. there’s no words to describe it. i’m doomed. he’s gonna leave one day when he finds out just how much i would do for him.
When someone abandons me it feels like they poured gasoline on me, lit a match, set me on fire and watched me as I writh in agony. And they walk away without even saying sorry...