i hate that i’m the type of person that shuts down and doesn’t talk to people for weeks sporadically but when someone does it to me i get so fucking angry, this is another reason why everyone leaves me because i’m literally such a hypocrite what the fuck
i really fucking wish i was the type of mentally ill that’s quiet, delicate, gentle, fragile, awkward and passive instead of being a horrible, loud and an annoying rage filled monster. society seems to be more accepting of the gentle and fragile people than cluster b and “aggressive” people
having bpd is so exhausting, i hate this disorder so fucking much
i fucking love this man so much. i love his hair, his smile, his hugs- goddamn they leave me breathless. i love the way he smells, how he’s so patient with me even when i definitely don’t deserve it. the sparkle in his eyes when he talks about something he loves, the way he sees my flaws and still wants to stay, how strong he is- mentally and physically, when he cuddles with me, when he holds my hands, the way he sings to songs even when he’s definitely off key and has the rhythm wrong- which is crazy because i’m a theatre kid and it should annoy me but with him it’s the furthest thing from annoying. when he gives me song suggestions and we definitely don’t have the same music taste but i listen to them anyways because he thinks i’ll like them. he’s so goddamn pretty it makes me sad because he never believes me. most of all i hate that we’re only just friends. i fucking love him more than words can describe and we can only be friends and it fucking breaks my heart every day but i can’t stay away from him or feel different about him, i’ve tried. i hate the most that his puns and jokes are always so sexual but only as friends. the things i’d do to hope he’d eventually love me is the saddest part but i’d do anything for him to love me. i’ll change everything for him, more than i already do. i’d kill all of the people that give him problems, all the people that have broke his heart and put him through torture. i find them vile for hurting him like that, i could fucking never hurt such a beautiful soul. he’s so fucking beautiful, it hurts so much.
you’re a drug that i just can’t quit. give me my fix baby, i’d do anything for it.
i’ve learnt that i can become homesick for people too
[tw: self harm + death mention] don’t you dare remind me i have no friends. you’re always too busy for me, so you know what i do? nothing, absolutely fucking nothing cuz i don’t know how to live without you. please just fucking love me, i can’t live like this anymore. i will kill myself if you keep ignoring me like this. i need you. you don’t understand how much i mean that, if you were to walk away right now i would go to my razor and cut myself until i bleed out. i’d have nothing to live for.
i fucking hate having a fp
literally fuck you and i hope you die
but only for the next 5 minutes, then i’ll be absolutely infatuated and hopelessly in love with you all over again.
every time you send a dry text or you take 5 hours to respond it feels like your hand is being plunged into my bare chest and ripping my heart out, and if i were to say this out loud i would be being “manipulative” and “dramatic” but it actually feels like i’m dying. it feels like i’m being physically hurt, but of course i still run after you because who would i be without you? i would have nothing to live for, no one to obsessively think about and adore. i would have no one to be completely and whole heartedly in love with, and being absolutely infatuated with you is the worst pain i’ve felt in my life but i wouldn’t change it for a second. you are the worst and best thing that’s ever happened to me but goddamn it i wouldn’t be here without you. i owe everything to you, i fucking adore you my beloved.
i feel like i’ll never experience true happiness or love when you leave me, i’ll have to kill myself. without you i’d have no purpose, nothing and no one to live for. when i say it’s you i adore, you i would die for- i mean it. i couldn’t go on without you.