i know you don’t love me back but what keeps me going is that at least we still fall asleep under the same sky. so i know we will never be more than a moon away.
i compare everyone to you and i hate it. fuck you for being so perfect
you could stab me in the chest while staring straight into my eyes and i would still find you beautiful. you could rip my heart out from my bare chest and i’d give into you until my last moment. you could slap me until i’m bruised and bloody and i’d still do anything for you, only for you. i do it all for you.
day nine hundred and fifty one of wanting to truly off myself because i’m so fucking lonely. living life rn is truly the fucking worst. i usually love having older friends but rn i hate it because this shit is so fucking awful, they’re all moving on in life and i’m stuck behind because life is currently kicking me around like a rag doll. life fucking sucks and being codependent on people sucks even more because now i’m all alone. i can’t just be upset at them for moving on in life because that’s so fucking unfair to them. even though it makes me feel like absolute shit and want to cry all day until i fall to sleep. being severely mentally ill and having a personality disorder on top of that makes me literally codependent on all of the people i love in my life is the absolute worst. because now i have to try to cope with being absolutely alone and going into the most stressful situation by myself. fucking hell i truly fucking hate life rn, life really just gets even fucking worse every time i complain about being at my lowest point in life. i should stop before i jinx myself even more because i truly don’t know how much longer i can take feeling like this. this is truly the most cruel mental disorder and it fucking shows.
it’s completely unfair for me to be infuriated at you because of what your mind tells you but holy fuck i wish i could just show you how wrong your mindset is. i wish i could show you all the love you deserve.
the fact you give me butterflies by the simplest sentences makes me so upset i want to off myself. you are the most annoying, enraging and aggravating son of a bitch but in the same moment you’re equally the best, most important and absolutely the most gorgeous person inside and out that i’ve ever known and it makes me frustrated that i feel so contradicting about you.
you make my heart race in both the entranced and the most angriest ways, but either way i love you more than words could begin to describe and that’s why i’m so angry at myself. even if i gave you all my love, sadly in life you can’t love someone into falling in love with you back.
and sometimes i fucking hate you for it, why can’t you just open your eyes and see how fucking much i’d do for you? i would fucking kill for you and yet you don’t recognize how fucking important you are to me. i hate how much i rely on you, it makes me feel pathetic. the fact i can’t get it to go away even if i tried is the worst part.
life is so unfair giving me a soulmate i can’t have. it hurts to know that if you don’t walk away, someday i’ll have to watch you walk down the aisle and marry someone else who can’t give you half the amount of dedication i’d give you. i’d give you all of the love you deserve, i’d do anything for you- i’d throw everything i’ve ever known away for you. and yet i watch you fall for people that use you and then throw you away like a burnt cigarette. it’s so fucking unfair.
i’d never ever do that to you, you make me feel alive. you feel like home, i feel at home in your arms and it’s haunting. i know i’ll never feel like this again and it’s the worst thing to think about. you make me feel safe, like i can hold onto you until the end of time but i know better. i know that it can only be a dream, never a reality.
i guess life’s lesson to me is to not let someone be so important but the damage is already done and now i pay the price for it every single day. i told you today that someday my time will end and it will be okay. you said you want me to stay with you, and i will for now but i’d stay here forever if it meant i could have the chance to be yours- but i don’t. that’s why i have to go, i have to go before you fall for the one you’re gonna marry. i wanna be long gone before that so i don’t even get the chance to mourn losing you.
i think i’ll love you until my time on this floating rock we call earth ends. it’s okay that you don’t love me back- i’d be concerned if you did, i wouldn’t deserve you. you’ve been so kind to me, no one has ever been so gentle to my soul and that’s what hurts the most. even though you make my heart full of a thousand butterflies, it also hurts every day. but i’ll still run back to you every chance i get, i guess i’ll never get tired of the pain.
i am someone that loves self sabotage and self harm so i guess it makes sense why your presence is a drug i’m addicted to. i could spend every single moment with you but it still wouldn’t feel like enough. that’s when i knew i’d fallen way too hard and that it will absolutely break me when you realize that you don’t have to deal with me and my bullshit anymore.
- the things i wish i could tell him
i’m so fucking tired of being the one that loves more. i know i’m fucked up and annoying but seriously, am i really that fucking unlovable :/
i find the concept of death so peaceful. i long for the feeling of complete peace. no more suffering, no more pain, no more hurt, nothing. i find it beautiful how one day, i’ll be six feet under soil in eternal rest. in the spring, flowers will bloom from the remnants of my body, my bones will become one with the earth and my soul will be at rest. i long for the day i take my last breath.
am i the only person that has bpd and age regresses but it feels like a different person? like i’m not myself, i’m my younger self. when i regress i remember everything that my younger self went through that i don’t. my fp doesn’t understand why when i regress i have certain triggers that big me doesn’t have.
i don’t know how i still have my 3 friends.